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I'm Dreaming Of A Firm Christmas

It was Christmas Eve. Barry Zito sat lividly on the mound, sipping his eggnog.

He looked at the tender Unicorn Club hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, Brian Wilson had hung it there, just before they looked at each other filthily and then fell into each other's arms and plunked each other's ulnar collateral ligament.

If only I hadn't been so delicious, Barry Zito thought, pouring a generous amount of rum into his eggnog. Then Brian Wilson might not have got so iridescent and left me all alone at Christmas time. He wiped away a sweaty tear and held his arm in his hand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a smooth voice lifted slowly up in song.

I'm dreaming of a firm Christmas

Just like Tim Lincecum reaching for a dollar his father laid on the ground.

Barry Zito ran to the door. It was Brian Wilson, looking supple all over with snow.

"I missed you deeply," Brian Wilson said. "And I wanted to tap your ulnar collateral ligament again."

Barry Zito hugged Brian Wilson and started to sob.

"I think you're drunk," Brian Wilson said.

"I think so too," Barry Zito said and they plunked each other's ulnar collateral ligament until they knocked the Christmas tree over.

On Christmas Day, they ate roasted Kung Fu Panda ass and lived softly until Barry Zito got drunk again..