Skinner: This is absurd! I did not have relations in that closet and the fact is I haven't ... [hesitates] um ...
Krabappel: Seymour, I think you'd better tell them. It's the only way to clear our names.
Skinner: Well, everyone, the fact is, I haven't ever had relations. I am a virgin.
[the crowd is stunned]
The Simpsons, Grade School Confidential
Manny Ramirez has already dropped the appeal of his suspension, so technically he has accepted his guilt relative to banned substances by Major League Baseball.
However, in what appears to be an effort to clear his name in the court of public opinion, Ramirez has trotted out a defense that's just crazy enough to work. Per Dylan Hernandez of the Times:
In a statement issued by the players' union, Ramirez said he took "a medication, not a steroid," prescribed by a physician unaware that the substance was banned under baseball's drug policy.
Although anti-doping experts have said HCG is commonly used to replenish testosterone after a cycle of steroids, sources close to Ramirez have suggested the HCG was prescribed to combat issues surrounding sexual performance.
I'm not saying Manny is innocent, not by any means. But to admit publicly any issues involving sexual performance would be a step not taken lightly. It's important to note that Manny has not yet revealed this officially -- note the "sources close to Ramirez suggest" part.
But the seeds of doubt have been planted. Will Manny Ramirez need help to make these seeds grow?
Hernandez further notes that even if Manny was having sexual performance issues, it's likely he would have been prescribed testosterone rather than HCG:
In rare cases, he said, HCG could be prescribed. In the case of a healthy male in Ramirez's age group, he said, the odds of such treatment would be less than 1 in 1,000.
As Superintendent Chalmers told Principal Skinner, "Well, it's clear you've been falsely accused. Because no one, anywhere, ever, would pretend to be a 44-year-old virgin."