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Crazy Eddie Holds A Sale

Disclaimer - this is FICTION, just in case you don't understand, THIS IS FICTION

Disclaimer - the salaries may not be exact matches but not enough to make much difference.

Frank - Eddie, I've been told to get payroll below 55,000,000 for the start of the year by the bankruptcy court and numerous know it all's have told me you are the only man for the job. Can you do it? Can you cut our salary and provide an exciting team so that we only lose about 30% of the season ticket holders?

Crazy Eddie - I've been chafing at the bit to do this all winter, I'm ready, I need three things. A pussycat, a plumber, and every report your scouting staff has ever created. Give me 24 hours to get ready.

Crazy Eddie - Josie and Eric Stephanski, I need you here stat.

24 Hours Later: OLD School Style

Crazy Eddie - Josie get me Dave Stewart on the line

Josie - Mr. Stewart is on line one

Crazy Eddie - Hey Dave, I'm going to be straight. I can have this conversation with you because right now Matt Kemp is Dodger property but we can't afford him this year. Everything will be different in 2012 when we will be flush with cash but for now I've been ordered to move the high rent players. So I'm going to try to put Matt in the best position to win in 2012. In return, I just want you know that the whole organization has loved having Matt Kemp play for us and if he is a free agent next winter we will go hard to bring him back.

Dave Stewart - Matt is going to be devastated, he loves this team and town. If you want any chance to sign him next year you'll have to trade him to a NL team. He hates the AL, the whole idea of a player not playing the field makes him want to go Chris Brown.

Crazy Eddie - Yes, we will do our best to make a deal in the NL.

Dave Stewart - Good luck, be talking to you next year

Crazy Eddie - Josie, get me Ted Lilly's agent on the line

Josie - he's on line two

Crazy  - Hey this is Eddie, I'm giving you and Ted the heads up. I know Ted has a no trade but I've been ordered by Frank to slash payroll, and I'm moving everyone I can. If Ted stays he's going to have no one under the age of 25 on the team so I thought I'd ask for his permission to trade him.

Agent - Ted loves it in LA, I told him not to sign with you crazy bastards. He loved Chicago I'm sure he'd agree to pitch for them again. If you can make that happen, I'm sure he will agree to it.

Crazy Eddie - Thanks, I'll see what I can do

Crazy Eddie - Josie get Frank Wren on the line stat

Josie - Frank is waiting on line one

Crazy Eddie - Frank, this is Eddie, I'm going to move Matt Kemp in the next 12 hours and I'm giving you first shot. Once I hang up with you I'm calling Amaro, and after I talk to Amaro I'm talking to Mozeliak. One way or another Matt is going to end up in the NL so if you don't want to see Matt Kemp playing against you, listen carefully. Jason Heyward is the centerpiece. I also want Beachy and Teheran.

Frank - Get out of here, I'm not giving you those three.

Crazy Eddie - Fine, Josie get me Amaro on the line

Frank - Now wait a minute, I'm not saying I'm not interested but that is too much. How about Heyward and Jose Constanza?

Crazy Eddie - Nah, I need one of your young pitchers, you have a plethora of arms, and I'm going to need some. Tell you what,  I could be persuaded if you add Medlan. 

Frank - Medlan, hell no we love Medlan.

Crazy Eddie - JOSIE Is Amaro on the line yet? Frank, we are talking about the BEST PLAYER IN BASEBALL

Frank - FUCK, fine Heyward and Medlan for Kemp

Matt Kemp to Braves for Kris Medlen and Heyward


Crazy Eddie - Josie get me Mozeliak on the line

Josie - Eddie, John Mozeliak is on line two

Crazy Eddie - Hey John, sorry to hear about you losing Albert to Theo. I'm moving some players and since you are moving Berkman to 1st base I thought you might be interested in Andre for right field to help you out.

John - What's his deal?

Crazy Eddie - we think he'll make around 12 - 13 in Arbitration, his leg is fine and he'll be the Andre of April for you.

John - Sounds enticing, what are you looking for?

Crazy Eddie - we need some 3rd base help and you got this kid Zach Cox who is going to be stuck behind your World Series hero. I want him and a starter and I'm not going to bullshit you, I've got to much respect for that. We want Cox and Marc Rzepczynski or Lance Lynn. You got Wainwright coming back, you got Shelby Miller just about ready to go. Either one works for us.

John - this might work, we need a right handed CF to help out Jay. How about Andre and Silverio for Cox and Rzepczynski. We'll let you figure out if he can make the successful conversion to starter instead of us.

Crazy Eddie - damn we are close, hate to trade Silverio, he's kind of in our picture as our right handed center fielder. If you make it Lynn instead of Rzepczynski I'll do it.

John - Seems much for a platoon hitter. We might just go with Craig full time.

Crazy Eddie - sure, you do that but what happens when Holliday goes does down with a pinky nash?  Think of the production an Ethier/Craig combo would produce? Not to mention the protection you get if Berkman hurts that old body of his?

John - Crap, I'll do it, Andre for Cox and Rzepczynski. Deal

Andre to Cardinals for Zach Cox and Marc Rzepczynski* (Pujols signs with Cubs, Berkman moves to 1st)

Crazy Eddie -  Josie get me Cherington on the line, and some damn coffee, this shit is as cold as a witches tit

Josie slithers in, pours the coffee, and announces I'll have Mr. Cherington on the line by the time you burn your throat

Crazy Eddie - Hey Ben, this is Eddie from the Dodgers, how is the gig going?

Ben - what do you want you west coast slime ball, trying to peddle me Uribe? I may be new but I'm not an idiot

Crazy Eddie - hey now, I wouldn't do that, I respect you. I'm looking at your team and you seem to be in desperate need of some quality pitching. You got a nice big three but in that division that will get something like what 3rd place? Ha Ha

Ben - You so desperate you are moving Cy Young?

Crazy Eddie - damn right, but not 2011 Cy Young, I'm' talking about 2013 Cy Young. You put Chad Billingsley in the right organization and he'll be the guy who can get you back in the hunt.

Ben - Billingsley huh, I might be interested. What are you looking for?

Crazy Eddie - We are moving everyone so I need some parts. I've heard you are a straight shooter so I'm going to be up front with our wish list. I want Lavarnway, he's not a good enough catcher for major league baseball, and with Gonzo on 1st you have him blocked. I've heard you are going to resign ORtiz so he'd just be wasting time here. Plus that utility infielder Lowrie, and the fourth outfielder Reddick.

Ben - that's alot for someone like Billingsley. Kind of counting on Reddick on being our starting RF.

Crazy Eddie - don't fool with a fool. No way the Red Sox are planning on heading into 2012 with Josh Reddick as your right fielder. You know you are going to spend some money there. You can save the money that you don't waste on CJ or EJ by getting Chad and spending on a real hitter that Boston nation won't laugh at.

Ben - that's still alot to ask for

Crazy Eddie - Billingsley is a hell of pitcher, good contract, good character, Boston Nation is going to love him.

Ben - fine, but I need more before I give you all three. As much as Chad would add value to our rotation that is alot of young cheap talent I'd be moving.  If you add in Songco and Lemmerman we could make a deal.

Crazy Eddie - Deal

Billingsley, Songco, and Lemmerman  to Red Sox for Lavarnway, Lowrie, Reddick

Josie - Eddie, Mr. Melvin is on line 3

Crazy Eddie - Hey Doug, sorry to hear about Prince, bit shocked the Rangers got him what can I help you with

Doug - Yea, that is what I'm calling about. We need a 1st baseman and the word is that you are moving everyone. We'd like first crack at getting Loney before everyone else calls. We can offer you two fine young players like Matt Gamel and Nyjer Morgan.

Crazy Eddie - we were thinking of keeping Loney. He hit a ton in the second half and is not that expensive that we couldn't keep him. Gamel and the crazy bastard wouldn't get it done. We need a 3rd baseman or a starting pitcher. Something like Wily Peralta would get it done, though I'm reluctant to move James.

Doug - that's our best pitching prospect but we do need that Loney bat. What are asking for Matt Kemp?

Crazy Eddie  - He's gone, Andre is gone, Billingsley is gone. You want Ted Lilly?

Doug - No, how about Gamel and Estrada instead of Peralta?

Crazy Eddie - Dont think so

Crazy Eddie - Josie get me Jed Hoyer on the line

Josie - Mr Hoyer is on line one

Crazy Eddie - Hi Jed, this is Eddie, wanted to congratulate you on bringing in Albert, quite a coup for your new group.

Jed Hoyer - Thanks, but I suspect you have something else you want to talk about.

Crazy Eddie - Yeah, I was looking over your pitching and even with Albert you are going to need some help. As you may have heard we are moving everyone and was wondering if you'd have some interest in bringiing Ted Lilly back. He was good for you and he'd help solidify that shaky rotation even if you do sign CJ Wilson.

Jed Hoyer - I heard he had a no trade is he going to want some incentive to waive it? Who are you looking for back from us?

Crazy Eddie - Nothing much, maybe something like Blake DeWitt, Vitters, Marquez Smith, or Tyler Colvin, depending on how much salary you take on.

Jed Hoyer - we were thinking of Lilly when we heard the news about the clean out.  How about something like Tyler Colvin and you send us 4 Million this year and 4 Million in 2013?

Crazy Eddie - I can't do that, best I can do is 4 Million this year. He's a heck of a pitcher for $9 Million, you know what you get with him. Not like that crazy bastard you have, do you think Pujols will settle him down?

Jed Hoyer - Yeah, I think he will. Theo is going to want some money in 2013 to offset his salary. How about 2 Million in 2013?

Crazy Eddie - Okay, you get Lilly, $4 Million in now, and $2 Million in 2013 and we get Tyler Colvin - Deal

Ted Lilly and $4 Million to Cubs for Tyler Colvin

Crazy Eddie - Josie, get me that rascal Larry Beinfest on the line

Josie - Mr Beinfest is on line five

Crazy Eddie - Larry you ole son of a gun, how you doing? Must be great with a new stadium and Ozzie?

Larry - Eddie Eddie Eddie, why do I feel like you need something?

Crazy Eddie - Heck I don't need anything, you need something and I've got it. I bet Ozzie is bugging you right now about finding him a veteran 3rd baseman after you failed to land Aramis. Who knew the Angels still had money? Anyway I've got one of his old favorites, he'd love for Juan Uribe to be his 3rd baseman.

Larry - Uribe, shit he has been talking about Uribe for weeks. We looked at his contract and it is to expensive for us, we can't pay him $8 Million. Maybe 4 Million.

Crazy Eddie - Hmm, I think we could send you 4 Million if you send us our local boy Matt Dominguez back to us. Doesn't look like he has the bat but we are rebuilding with pitching and defense for the time being. Unless of course you want to talk about Mike Stanton?

Larry - Mike Stanton, hell you'd have to send us Clayton Kershaw for Mike Stanton. Dang,  Eddie that is kind of the opposite of pitching and defense.

Crazy Eddie - Yea, but here it is. Clayton for Stanton, Dominguez, and Coughlin but you have take all of Uribe and Guerrier contracts. Cy Young Larry, Cy Young

Larry - Damn that trade would set the world on fire. I'm sorely tempted, sorely tempted. Let me get back to you.

Crazy Eddie - Josie, get me Bill Smith on the line.

Josie - Mr. Smith is on line one

Crazy Eddie - Hi Bill, as you know we are making deals here and we got someone I think you missed terribly last year. Now I know his contract is little high for you but we will send you some money.

Bill Smith - Guerrier, heck ya, we loved that guy and we could use the help. What do you got and what do you want.

Crazy Eddie - Trying to rebuild the rotation so we'd like to take a chance on Slowey, we think he'd fit in nicely at Dodger Stadium while you need some power what with everything that has happened to your power hitters. We just picked up Tyler Colvin from the Cubs and we think he and Matt along with $2 Million would be a good deal for both teams.

Bill Smith - Colvin huh, he does have huge power potential. I heard you also picked up Lavarnway, how about him, we will take the whole salary of Matt if you make it Lavarnway.

Crazy Eddie - Hmmm, that is enticing but we need him.

Bill Smith - Okay, Colvin is worth a shot and we'd really like to have Matt setting up again. Deal

Tyler Colvin/Guerrier/2.5 Million to Twins for Slowey.

Crazy Eddie - Josie  I need more coffee, I'm dying here, plus get me Shapiro on the phone

Josie - coming up, Mr. Shapiro is on line two

Crazy Eddie - Mark you must love hearing from me. How is our boy Carlos doing for you? I've heard you are going to move him to 1st base? Guess my scouts were right he couldn't stick at catcher, friggin idiots.

Mark - Doing great, can't wait for 2012, hell of a young infield we will have.

Crazy Eddie - Love the infield, that is why I'm calling. We need some spare parts for our infield you have some players who are blocked now. Looking to acquire Hanahan and Phelps. We have this solid switch hitting catcher named Geoff Erickson who might be able to help you out in a year since you are moving Carlos to 1st. We have some big arm relief pitchers in AA, guys like Aames, Tolleson, and Ethan Martin. What do you think?

Mark - You know I owe you for Santana but we aren't trading Hanahan that cheaply.

Crazy Eddie - Okay, I'll get back to you.

Josie - Eddie, Larry Beinfest is on line three

Crazy Eddie - Hey Larry, ready to make history?

Larry - Tempted but we can't do it. Stanton is our guy. However I told Ozzie and he was ecstatic at getting Uribe back. So we will take Juan, but you have to throw in $4 Million this year if you want Dominguez back. Just heard you picked up Lavarnway, interested in moving him?

Crazy Eddie - Only we can get Logan Morrison back in the deal?  How about something like Lavarnway, Guerra, Reddick, Uribe and $4 Million for Logan Morrison and Matt Dominquez 

Larry - That will play

Crazy Eddie - Deal

Lavarnway, Guerra, Reddick, Juan Uribe + 4 Mill to Marlins for Logan Morrison, Matt Dominguez

Crazy Eddie - Josie, get me Brad Hawpe's agent

Josie - Got him on line one

Crazy Eddie - Hey buddy , this is Eddie from the Dodgers. Just heard the Padres bought out your boy Hawpe's option. We are rebuilding here, but I have room for a left handed 1st baseman/outfielder though all I can offer is $1 million. You might get more from someone else but remember Brad hits better in Dodger stadium then any other place. If he is going to make a comeback this might be the best place for him to give it a shot. Let me know

Josie - Eddie, Doug Melvin is on line two

Crazy Eddie - Hey Doug, what's cooking?

Doug - We've had a discussion, we will do it, Loney for Peralta.

Crazy Eddie - Hey now, that is more like it. Deal

Loney to Brewers for Wily Peralta

Josie - Eddie, Brad Hawpe's agent is on line one

Tired Crazy Eddie - hey buddy, what you got?

Hawpe Agent - Hawpe would love to play for the Dodgers but he'd like some incentives?

Tired Crazy Eddie - Sure, sure, but the base is $1 Million, we will work on the incentives tomorrow. Right now I'm going to pass out and sleep for an hour or two before I have to meet the press, but I got one more call to make. Josie get me Jed back on the line.

Josie - Mr. Hoyer is on line two

Crazy Eddie - Hey Jed, waiting to hear back from Shapiro but before I close that deal what do you want for DeWitt. Looks like I could use a left handed 3rd baseman for the bench.

Jed - Hmmm, when I told the staff we got Lilly back they told me to find out what you would want for Tolleson.

Crazy Eddie - Too much for a bench player, we've got big plans for Tolleson, we already moved Guerra so he's already penciled into the bullpen. How about two of Fife, Wall, Solano?

Jed - How about all three?

Crazy Eddie - ......................all right.

Fife, Wall, and Solano to the Cubs for Blake DeWitt


Position 2012 MajorLeagueRoster Minors AAA
C  $       435,000.00 AJ Ellis  Erickson
 C   $       435,000.00 Tim Federowicz  Giminez
 1B/LH   $    1,000,000.00 Brad Hawpe   
 1B/RH   $       435,000.00 Jerry Sands 
 2B/Switch Hitter   $       500,000.00 Lowrie  DeJesus 
 3B   $       435,000.00 Matt Dominguez  Zach Cox 
 SS   $       435,000.00 Dee Gordon 
 LF   $       600,000.00 Logan Morrison  Russell 
 LF   $       435,000.00 Castlelannos  Van Slyke 
 RF   $       600,000.00 Jason Heyward 
 CF   $    1,100,000.00 Tony Gwynn Jr.
 CF   $       435,000.00 Silverio 
 1st/3rd/OF   $       435,000.00 Blake DeWitt
 2nd/SS  $       435,000.00


 SP   $    8,000,000.00 Clayton Kershaw  Nathan Eovaldi
 SP   $       500,000.00 Kris Medlen Rubby De La Rosa
 SP   $       500,000.00 Slowey  Webster
 SP   $       500,000.00 Marc Rzepczynski* Withrow 
 SP   $       435,000.00 Wily Peralta  Ely
 LHSetup   $    1,500,000.00 Kuo  Eveland
 MainSetup   $       435,000.00 Tolleson 
 Setup   $       435,000.00 Josh Lindblom  Claire
 Closer   $       500,000.00 Kenley Jansen  Martin
 Setup   $       500,000.00 Blake Hawksworth Aames
 LHSetup   $       435,000.00 Scott Elbert 
 $       500,000.00 Dana Eveland 
 $       435,000.00 Rubby De La Rosa 
Dead Money
Manny Ramirez   $    8,087,432.00  $      8,087,432.00
Juan Pierre   $    3,000,000.00  $      3,000,000.00
Andruw Jones   $    3,375,000.00  $      3,375,000.00
Kuroda  $    2,000,000.00  $      2,000,000.00
Casey Blake   $    1,250,000.00  $      1,250,000.00
Jon Garland   $    1,500,000.00  $      1,500,000.00
Rafael Furcal   $    2,000,000.00  $      2,000,000.00
Juan Uribe   $    4,000,000.00  $      4,000,000.00
Guerrier  $    2,500,000.00  $      2,500,000.00
Ted Lilly  $    4,000,000.00  $      4,000,000.00
 $  53,732,432.00  $    31,712,432.00

Crazy Eddie Reasoning:

Other players I targeted but could not come up with reasonable offers, Travis Snider, Dustin McGowen, Aaron Crow. For any of this to work out, Jason Heyward has to become great. If that happens everything else falls into place. I've no doubt that by 2013/2014 an excellent rotation will be cobbled from Kershaw, Rubby, Medlan, Peralta, Lee, Webster, Eovaldi, Withrow, and Reed.  The bullpen is young and strong. Hopefully between Dominguez and Cox one of them will become a solid 3rd baseman. Morrison or Sands with either become the LF or 1st baseman.

If Hawpe can show some life at Dodger Stadium that will be a plus, he'll take some pressure off of Sands facing tough righties. If he totally fails, then simply move Morrison to 1st full time, Sands to LF.

High Ceiling - Heyward

Above Average - Logan Morrison

Average - Lowrie, Dominquez, Cox

Sorry but I can't help but be enticed at what Hawpe could do at Dodger Stadium facing only right handers.

Are any of these deals practical? I think so but I could be completely off my rocker. It ain't easy being Crazy Eddie. The main goal was find some current good young arms that are already major league ready while waiting for Rubby to recover and several of Eovaldi, Webster, Withrow, Reed, Lee and Gould to percolate.

Adding free agent hitters in 2013 with 50 - 60 Million in available money after giving Kershaw his extension, great pick in the 2013 draft, along with the strong pitching should give the team a strong base for building from here.

SS - Gordon

CF - Gwynn / Silverio

LF - Morrison

RF - Heyward

1st - Sands / Hawpe

3rd - Dominguez / DeWitt

2nd - Lowrie

C - Fed / Ellis