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Christmas Duck Has Been Edition

For some of his past interviews you can check out the Duck Talk Section where we ask the questions we want to ask and try to see through the clichéd responses we normally get. For those of you new to Duck Talk, this is a complete fabrication based on interviews within my troubled mind.

Duck: Congratulations Ned on a wonderful winter. Couldn't have been easy to get so many players to defer millions into the 2013 season so you could build a competitive team this winter loaded with players who were once good and not having to rely on the farm system to fill the holes.

Ned : Thanks, the whole management team worked hard to build the best team we could build.

Duck: First off, the biggest and greatest move has to be the signing of Matt Kemp, making him a Dodger for the next eight years.

Ned : Yes, we were pleased to give Matt Kemp the largest contract in the history of the organization. He's a special talent and Dodger fans can now look forward to seeing Matt Kemp everyday for the next eight years.

Duck: No misgiving about Matt getting lazy and having a bunch of 2010 seasons?

Ned: A few, but when Dave Stewart looked at me with those slitted black eyes, and told me that Matt Kemp was not going to rest until he was the greatest Dodger to ever play the game, I was sold.

Duck: To help out Matt, you resigned Juan Rivera who was such a key piece to the resurgence of the team this past summer.

Ned: Juan was a huge asset to the team in the 2nd half of 2011 and we expect him to continue to do great things for us in 2012/2013. You know we brought in this number cruncher named Alex Tamin who showed us a few things we were unaware of.

Duck: Like what?

Ned: For example did you know that James Loney and Andre Ethier have zero power against left handers?

Duck: Ya don't say?

Ned: Yup, that is why we signed Juan Rivera, to help out against LHP. Alex showed us that Andre becomes Juan Castro if the pitcher is a southpaw. Only one home run all of last year. James only hit two. Heck in 2009 Juan Rivera hit 12 home runs against LHP.

Duck: Yes, Juan Rivera was quite a player in 2009.

Duck: You lost Jamey Carroll to the Twins but you quickly made up for it by signing three infielders, Mark Ellis, Adam Kennedy, and Jerry Hairston. It was quite a coup to take such highly sought after infielders off the market so quickly.

Ned: Yes, we were very pleased to sign all of them. Mark Ellis was the target because of the research Alex Tamin did related to our infield defense. Back in 2010 Mark Ellis was great and we expect him to be just as good again at 35 as he was at age 33. He was healthy enough to play 132 games last year so we think the health issues that have plagued him his whole career are a thing of the past. Kennedy is left handed infielder who can play anywhere but SS, so we got Jerry Hairston to handle that in case Dee Gordon runs into any injuries or adjustment problems.Plus Hairston can play anywhere. This might be the best bench I've ever assembled.

Duck: You spent a good amount of loose change on these guys, does this mean you have no faith in Sellers or DeJesus?

Ned: Sellers impressed us with his tatoo's last year. Who's the other guy?

Duck: Ivan DeJesus Junior!

Ned: Who

Duck: Nevermind, was Mark Treanor brought into to mentor AJ Ellis?

Ned: Hell no, we simply wanted Misty May on the teams Volleyball team. We are going to kick the Padres ass this year. Other then Misty May he brings nothing to the table we care about. That catcher I got from the Red Sox, that guy is our future.

Duck: You mean FedEx?

Ned: Who, oh I get it. That is clever, think I'll use it.

Duck: When you were unable to sign Kuroda you capped off this great winter by bringing in two pitchers who were very successful in 2011 pitching in pitching parks.

Ned: Yes, have to give credit to Tamin again. He explained how we will be playing 100 games in pitching friendly parks so we didn't have to target good pitchers, simply pitchers who used to be good. Among the group of pitchers we could afford who used to be good these were the best.

Duck: Is this your favorite kind of team? Old and expensive, with most of the cost deferred until 2013, with a MVP candidate and Cy Young sprinkled in here and there to keep the fans happy about the farm system?

Ned: Yes, this might be my favorite team ever. Everyone here was either good once, or will be. None of those Miles guys this year.

Duck: How is Uribe doing this winter, have you talked to him?

Ned: Not directly, but his waitress assured me he is in great shape, and can't wait to play baseball in 2012 for the Dodgers.

Duck: I'd be remiss if I did not bring up James Loney's accident. For whatever reason he was asleep at the wheel, were you surprised?

Ned: Surprised, hell no. James has been sleepwalking at Dodger Stadium for three years until something woke him up on August 10th of this year.

Duck: Does this team need a great year from James Loney to compete for a postseason post?

Ned: Yes, any other easy questions?

Duck: Some blogs have started calling this the has been team because most of the players you signed were good several years ago and struggled in 2011. What do you say to them?

Has been
Has been
You talkin' to me?
You talkin' to me?
You callin' me, has been?
What'd you say your name is?
Never done jack
Glad to meet ya
Who's your friend?
Don't say dick
Whaddya know?
And you friend, what's your handle?
Two thumbs Don

Duck: Have to say Ned, this is not the type of winter anyone was expecting but you outdid yourself. You are simply one of a kind. Have a Merry Christmas, and do you have anything to say to the fans?

Ned: Yes, if you are going to have Duck for your Christmas Dinner, make sure you use a cherry sauce.