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2014 MLB one-sentence previews

Don't know what's going on in the MLB in 2014? Only have 45 seconds? Then our preview is for you.

Is this the man who could decide the NL Central? Or is he a punchline?
Is this the man who could decide the NL Central? Or is he a punchline?
David Manning-USA TODAY Sports

There are people out there who don't follow the day to day machinations of the MLB off-season. I like to call them "normal". But while those people were out watching football or curling or whatever they may have missed some of the big moves of the off-season. Also, these people may only have 45 seconds to catch up so to get them back in the game we preview all 30 teams in 30 sentences.

NL West

Arizona Diamondbacks: The D'Backs have less bad players than any team in the league, and they're near the bottom in good players.

Colorado Rockies: Now celebrating 14 years of directionless Dan O'Dowd leadership.

Los Angeles Dodgers: $250 million dollar team seriously considering using Dee Gordon for something besides coffee runs.

San Diego Padres: Look to be the first team since the 2001 Diamondbacks to win the World Series with an ace with a gigantic mullet.

San Francisco Giants: Spent $143 million dollars, including $35 million on noted beanie hat aficionado/sub replacement level pitcher Tim Lincecum, to keep a 76-win team together.

NL Central

Chicago Cubs: As irrelevant as the other guy from Wham!

Cincinnati Reds: Team on the verge of contention makes Skip Schumaker their big off-season acquisition.

Milwaukee Brewers: Starting second baseman is named Scooter.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Team on the verge of contention makes Edinson Volquez their big off-season acquisition.

St. Louis Cardinals: We're gonna be looking at Cardinal dominance for a long time, but at least we successfully turned "Cardinals Fan" into a slur in 2013.

NL East

Atlanta Braves: Down to three reliable starters and one has a hurt shoulder/penis.

Miami Marlins: Fans didn't revolt and burn down the dinger machine, a successful off-season

New York Mets: Man this team could actually have a chance if Matt Harvey was healthy I say to the absinthe chugging Mets fan.

Philadelphia Phillies: Ruben Amaro Jr. : money :: mule : spinning wheel.

Washington Nationals: For a brief moment I thought the Nats were gonna trade Ryan Zimmermann for Doug Fister then sign Robinson Cano and it didn't happen so screw them.

AL West

Anaheim Angels: Arte Moreno needs to learn that if you wanna act like Steinbrenner you gotta win like Steinbrenner.

Houston Astros: Bad.

Oakland Athletics: Billy Beane inspires hundreds of blog posts with his innovative strategy "trade bad players for good relievers".

Seattle Mariners: "What if we do the exact same thing as last year, but also sign Robinson Cano" he said to thunderous applause.

Texas Rangers: Now entering their fifth year of employing Mitch Moreland for some reason.

AL Central

Chicago White Sox: Going for the increasingly popular "rebuild by trading exclusively with Kevin Towers" strategy.

Cleveland Indians: Our countries top scientists still can't figure out how this team won 92 games last year.

Detroit Tigers: The Tigers broke up the Big Fed Machine before "Big Fed Machine" could catch on and that's just criminal.

Kansas City Royals: The best Royals team in a quarter of a century features number two starter Jason Vargas.

Minnesota Twins: Paying 31 million this year for a rotation lead by Ricky Nolasco.

AL East

Baltimore Orioles: Improved on last off-season by not getting banned from any countries.

Boston Red Sox: Look to repeat last years strategy of "hope everything goes perfectly".

New York Yankees: Spend half a billion dollars and the team will still crater when half the roster comes up lamer than a Billy Joel concert.

Tampa Bay Rays: Sure the team consists of the scummiest players in baseball, but they don't spend a lot of money so aren't they lovable?

Toronto Blue Jays: Toronto Blue Jays second baseman Ryan Goins.