There are people out there who don't follow the day to day machinations of the MLB off-season. I like to call them "normal". But while those people were out watching football or curling or whatever they may have missed some of the big moves of the off-season. Also, these people may only have 45 seconds to catch up so to get them back in the game we preview all 30 teams in 30 sentences.
Arizona Diamondbacks: The D'Backs have less bad players than any team in the league, and they're near the bottom in good players.
Colorado Rockies: Now celebrating 14 years of directionless Dan O'Dowd leadership.
Los Angeles Dodgers: $250 million dollar team seriously considering using Dee Gordon for something besides coffee runs.
San Francisco Giants: Spent $143 million dollars, including $35 million on noted beanie hat aficionado/sub replacement level pitcher Tim Lincecum, to keep a 76-win team together.
Chicago Cubs: As irrelevant as the other guy from Wham!
Cincinnati Reds: Team on the verge of contention makes Skip Schumaker their big off-season acquisition.
Milwaukee Brewers: Starting second baseman is named Scooter.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Team on the verge of contention makes Edinson Volquez their big off-season acquisition.
St. Louis Cardinals: We're gonna be looking at Cardinal dominance for a long time, but at least we successfully turned "Cardinals Fan" into a slur in 2013.
Atlanta Braves: Down to three reliable starters and one has a hurt shoulder/penis.
Miami Marlins: Fans didn't revolt and burn down the dinger machine, a successful off-season
New York Mets: Man this team could actually have a chance if Matt Harvey was healthy I say to the absinthe chugging Mets fan.
Philadelphia Phillies: Ruben Amaro Jr. : money :: mule : spinning wheel.
Washington Nationals: For a brief moment I thought the Nats were gonna trade Ryan Zimmermann for Doug Fister then sign Robinson Cano and it didn't happen so screw them.
Anaheim Angels: Arte Moreno needs to learn that if you wanna act like Steinbrenner you gotta win like Steinbrenner.
Houston Astros: Bad.
Oakland Athletics: Billy Beane inspires hundreds of blog posts with his innovative strategy "trade bad players for good relievers".
Seattle Mariners: "What if we do the exact same thing as last year, but also sign Robinson Cano" he said to thunderous applause.
Texas Rangers: Now entering their fifth year of employing Mitch Moreland for some reason.
Chicago White Sox: Going for the increasingly popular "rebuild by trading exclusively with Kevin Towers" strategy.
Cleveland Indians: Our countries top scientists still can't figure out how this team won 92 games last year.
Detroit Tigers: The Tigers broke up the Big Fed Machine before "Big Fed Machine" could catch on and that's just criminal.
Kansas City Royals: The best Royals team in a quarter of a century features number two starter Jason Vargas.
Minnesota Twins: Paying 31 million this year for a rotation lead by Ricky Nolasco.
Baltimore Orioles: Improved on last off-season by not getting banned from any countries.
Boston Red Sox: Look to repeat last years strategy of "hope everything goes perfectly".
New York Yankees: Spend half a billion dollars and the team will still crater when half the roster comes up lamer than a Billy Joel concert.
Tampa Bay Rays: Sure the team consists of the scummiest players in baseball, but they don't spend a lot of money so aren't they lovable?
Toronto Blue Jays: Toronto Blue Jays second baseman Ryan Goins.