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Two closers

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Thoughts on the Dodgers’ pursuit of a closer, imagined through song from Kenley Jansen’s perspective

The Friars Club Roast Honors Jack Black
Inspired by the Spin Doctors
Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

This is fiction...

One, two closers are before you
That's what I said, now
Closers, closers who could pitch for you
Just go ahead, now
One won diamonds with the Ricketts
Wants some bread, now
This one, he might lower your tickets
Throws 105, now

This one, got a 30-game suspension
That's what I said, now
From MLB, ‘cause of domestic tension
Backed out of trade, wow
You sign him now, doesn’t mean you condone it
No charges pressed (how?)
But you sign no one, you just might have blown it
It’s Baez time, now

You sign him, or you sign me
I leave, you gain a draft pick, while Chapman’s free
I ain’t saying that you need a spending spree
But you need two elite relievers, or maybe three
You need two elite relievers, or maybe three
Said, if you want to call me fireman
Just go ahead, now
Doesn’t matter when I retire them
Just go ahead, now
And if I pitch an earlier inning
Just go ahead, now
Doesn’t matter, as long as we are winning
Just go ahead, now